Respect My Time

I’ve had a startling epiphany.

Last night, I was in a meeting which was supposed to last at the most one hour.

It lasted three.

At about two hours into the meeting, I shut down. Emotionally. I couldn’t allow myself to indulge the rage and indignation I felt rising, swelling within me. Sure, I managed to engage conceptually for the remainder of the meeting, but the longer it elapsed, the less I presented and the more I retracted into myself.

Afterwards, as I retrospectively sifted through the burst of emotions I felt, which I had immediately shut off, I realised my distress was triggered by one correlating thought:

I’m upset/hurt/angry/etc. because I feel as though my time is not respected.

BAM!

Like a tidal wave, illumination crashed over me connecting all these dots and intricacies and patterns and nuances into one conglomerate picture.

I enjoy these elucidating moments, for I am then able to harness my awareness into actualization for the goal of enriching my future with proactive, liberating change.

Now, I realise this contrasts to the realisation I’ve lost my punctuality, but they’re two sides of the same coin, I think. Here’s why:

I have long struggled with recommitting myself to areas of interest since university.

Throughout school, especially high school, I was the inherent doormat of the department in which I majored. While it gave me some unspoken confidence with my authorities, and thus leadership over my peers, I felt I was incessantly at their disposal. Literally.

When I left high school and entered uni, I had no energy. I was burnt. out. to the core of my being. Thus, I switched majors constantly, and even dropped out of school.

It was during this part of my journey I learned I was an INFJ, which was the beginning of my self-awareness and self-discovery.

We INFJs are strange creatures. More frustrating than fascinating. (At least, I currently frustrate myself more than I fascinate myself.) Due to my psychological make-up, also being a high sensitive person, I am overwhelmed and overstimulated easily, which if this occurs consistently, I tire and stress easily.

I realised there were commitments I had which contained this pattern of stressing me out until I inevitably burnt out, but why always remained a mystery.

Regardless, I have still been trying, even fighting sometimes, to live a more healthy lifestyle, one which maintains proper, consistent boundaries in all my relationships and commitments; some of which this blog is devoted to musing about these wanderings.

The struggle I’ve faced is my degree of commitment. How much do I give of myself? What does too much look like? How much do I have to give? These questions and more I have been unable to answer, and it’s been weighing on my conscious for years, this wrestle of maintaining “balance”.

After last night, I realised this degree is intrinsic to my time.

Time is my most valuable resource, my greatest commodity. It is my sacred gift. My time is precious to me.

(Whoa, what if The One Ring is meant to represent Time? J.R.R. Tolkien always talked about it representing the struggle of immortality verses mortality, and our mortality is defined by Time and its effects on our beings. Oh, wow…there’s a thought.)

Anyway, how much Time I give is the number one indication of my level of commitment. There is no easier way to tell how much I value something than by how much time I devote to it, which I think is true for all humans.

Of course, my intensity on this issue is probably because my dominant love language is Quality Time. However, it is not limited to only romantic relationships. As a key component of my inherent being, this transcends into my very ontology and thus lifestyle.

For example: communication, or more specifically, texting.

I take texting very seriously (especially since I have a problem with brevity). I will not engage in a text conversation unless I’m willing to devote myself to the interaction for a prolonged amount of time. Same with emails, phone calls, face-to-face interactions, etc. Too much time is wasted on meaningless conversations, and the moment I stopped trying to ALWAYS answer EVERYONE, I had such a sense of relief and peace I’ve become even more intentional, possibly dogmatic, about it.

This is also why Shabbat is so precious to me.

Yes, the other holidays, too, have a specialty to them, but Shabbat is every week. It is a window, a gateway into Eternity. It is a day of not only rest but beauty. It is a day when we are freed from the prescriptions of “normal” daily life – the routines, schedules, meetings; the drudgery and monotony and restless patterns. I treasure the words Abraham Joshua Heschel wrote in his book, The Sabbath, and I highly recommend it to anyone who is wanting to find a more deliberate way of life by utilizing their time.

What Shabbat has taught me, or emphasised in me, is that in everything I do, I do it with deliberation, intentionality, purpose, and strategy for Time is intrinsic to all things. Nothing can exist outside of Time. Only Hashem exists in such a realm, for only He is completely unlike us by being the only One who is not subjected to its affects.

Though, we were created in His image, to be like Him. Thus, we too can learn to transcend Time, to control it, to wield it instead of succumbing to its powers and influences. Shabbat teaches us how, but again, just read Heschel’s book.

This is why a meeting which exceed its limitations felt like such an insult, a disrespect, nay maybe even an injustice. It crossed a boundary which is an extremely deep, core value to my very psyche.

Whatever the results of this epiphany are, I think it’s too soon to tell, but I feel as though I’m on the verge of breakthrough, of liberation. This illumination has given me the tools, the words, the precision to communicate my needs so I can maybe, just maybe, win this wrestle.

We’ll just have to wait and see…