Passover Failure

I never know how to start these blog posts. It always feels so pedantic.

So we’re in the middle of Pesach; Passover as it’s more commonly known. This time of year is not merely to remember and reflect on the life of Moses and the Exodus from Egypt. As usual, it permeates far deeper than memory in our psyches, or neshama.

As we say during Seder, we must feel as though we endured the bitterness of Egypt ourselves and are leaving our slavery and sorrows behind to begin a new life of freedom.

With the celebrations of Pesach comes a lot of preparations. The most essential is the cleaning of the house (even the car and workplace) of chametz. Chametz is anything with leaven as we are commanded to eat only unleavened bread for seven days. Since this is so critical to our observance as Hashem warns us anyone who eats chametz will be cut off from Israel, we thoroughly clean not just our homes, cars, offices – anything which might come into contact with chametz – but most importantly our souls.

The sages teach us that chametz is likened to the swelling of our egos, and this time of the year is to solely reflect on all Hashem has done for us, minimising ourselves, remembering He alone is our redemption. As such, just as we prepare our souls during the month of Elul to stand before the gates of heaven during Yamim Noraim, the Days of Awe or High Holy Days, we prepare our souls for Pesach.

Only the focus is on a different facet of this exquisite jewel of our relationship with Hashem. Instead of focusing on repentance (t’shuvah) as we do during Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, Pesach is a time of cleansing, redemption, and ultimately freedom.

Instead of returning to Hashem, we are delivered by Him.

(Random thought: I find it fascinating that in Christian tradition, they have something different yet similar. They begin this season with Fat Tuesday, feasting and gorging on all the food they don’t get to eat during Lent, which begins with Ash Wednesday, concluding with Easter that is yet another festive celebration. We have Purim, but it’s not about gorging on food. And we don’t fast until Pesach begins as we fast of chametz. This isn’t a complete thought; merely observing.)

Unfortunately for me, I haven’t done such a marvellous job of preparation this year.

You would think as a single young adult it would be easy for me, cleaning out my apartment, car, etc. I don’t have a husband to worry about constantly nor children to maintain.

Except I think it’s just the opposite. If I were married with children, or still at home with my parents, I would have those around me preparing with me, holding me accountable. Sure, there is some accountability at shul, but not with the same intensity as wanting to train and teach my children in the way they should go, to follow Torah, to remember and observe. Though, I’m digressing. Again.

The point I’m avoiding is…I missed some chametz.

I was cooking last night, and upon opening my spice cabinet, I lost myself for a moment in a daze. (It happens a lot.) When I came back to reality, my eyes were fixed on my oils, and wedged just between them conspicuously was the culprit: instant yeast packets. I exclaimed in my horror, and that’s when I noticed the three-fourths full sack of flour just behind it.

I facepalmed so hard.

Of course, I started laughing. Nervously.

I mean, if I’m supposed to be cleaning out my soul, and I just found all this hidden chametz, what does this mean about the state of my soul?

And here’s what’s worse: this isn’t the first time I found chametz hiding in my apartment since last Friday. Heck, when I took my food over to my friends who are keeping it for me until Pesach is over, I came back home only to realise I left all my flour in my cabinet. Of course, as you know, I didn’t grab all of the flour.

Guess where it is now? Sitting in my car. All week I’ve been driving around with a sack of flour and bread in my back seat, and honestly, it’s so embarrassing. I’m sure no one sees it, and if they do, they probably don’t give it a second thought.

But I see it. And I know what it means.

To say I’ve failed in my Pesach observance would either be an overstatement or an understatement. I haven’t decided which one it is yet because I’m either being too hard on myself or I really am an utter failure.

But that’s the thing: Pesach isn’t about me. It’s about Hashem. It’s about redemption. It’s about Israel. It’s about us.

I’ve been so focused on myself recently, that’s why I was completely unprepared.

I’ve been worrying about my new website, which essentially is linked to my starting a miniscule business. I’ve been focused on my future, on what tomorrow may bring, but didn’t a wise man once say not to worry about tomorrow for it will worry about itself?

Of course I failed.

But Pesach is not over yet. There is still time for me to get right not just with myself, but with Hashem.

That’s why in a way just before Pesach began I decided everything I was frantic about – the website which I drastically underestimated, my Patreon account which is mortifyingly neglected – I needed to just let go. As we say, dayenu: “It was enough for us.”

Thus, I shall say, dayeni. It is enough for me.

So if you’re wondering where I’ve been, why I’ve been a little bizarrely quiet since March 18, when the “big” announcement happened, this is why. I needed to let go. I needed to focus on more important priorities.

Obviously, I was little more scatterbrained than I should have been, but it’s okay because here’s the best part: Hashem is merciful. He is good. He sees my weakness and does not despise me because He also sees my efforts, no matter how feeble, and He blesses me with His grace, with Himself.

And thus, I am freed.

Wherever you are, whatever you celebrate, chag sameach! Have a joyous holiday!