Only Silence

I’m suppose to working on a contingency plan to propose in a meeting at work Wednesday, but all I can think about is this stupid fight I had with my sister yesterday about the coronavirus and all the things I wish I could have said to her instead of just getting hurt and hanging up on her.

“Until my work shuts down — which who knows when that will be — I’m not needlessly quarantining myself because what’s the point? You know how disgusting that place is; a cesspool, a Petri dish.”

But I’m not going to tell her what I want to say, how I feel because arguing with her is pointless and petty.

Instead, I’m choosing to switch topics and think about this song I’m listening to, Just Another Girl by The Killers, and how it’s such a poignant love song. It brings back memories of my wedding, so I reminisce over the vignette it paints in my mind.

It mixes and evolves into my imaginings of what The Shadows Between Us by Tricia Levenseller — which I finished reading on my lunch break — would be if I superimpose us into the story.

Of course, now, all I can think about is my husband — the man of my dreams, the love of my life, the other half of my soul.

Oh, how I miss him desperately.

I don’t say this as some sort of lovesick puppy-newlywed who can’t bear to leave her new husband’s side even for a day at work. No; while that may be true, it’s because these first 3 months (almost) of marriage have been desperately trying.

Why did he have to fall and get a concussion? Why did that have to induce post-traumatic seizures? Why did we have to fight so much?

Why won’t my job just close down if we’re suppose to be keeping crowds to no more than 50 people, when that’s the amount of people in my department alone?

Why did I have that stupid fight with my sister?

Why haven’t I blogged in so long? Why can’t I just finish revising my manuscript?

Why is the world falling apart when all I want to do is enjoy it, enjoy life, enjoy my new husband, enjoy being married — enjoy being alive?

Why?

Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong? Where did any of this come from? Why does it keep getting worse? Why can’t I fix any of it? What am I suppose to do?

Why?

I don’t have answers, only silence.

But in this stillness — I know, I believe, I trust, I hope — there remains: only G-d.