From Mourning to Joy

This past year is coming to an end, at least on the Jewish calendar, and that means I have been reminiscent, as one does when they assess their lives before the chagim, or holidays.

For us, for Israel, this past year has been tinged, if not saturated, with sorrow and grief. Since October 7, our lives have never been the same. There have been days where my grief was near inconsolable, where I wandered through the day like a phantom, feeling more a shadow of myself than anything real or tangible.

How could I go about my life when my home was in flames, when there were so many unaccounted for, when there were hundreds of hostages who didn’t know what the next day would bring them?

Yet somehow there was hope mingled with my grief, and soon, I found I was living my best life again due to so many personal transformations, if not perhaps for the first time ever.

As many of you may recall, receiving my diagnosis and confirmation of my neurodivergence was one of the most liberating experiences for me. No longer was I plagued by the vague inclination that I didn’t belong in my own skin. Gone was the absence of belonging. I had found myself, and by default, I found my community. Part of this change was thanks to my new job, of leaving public service behind and entering the private sector. (Oh, how glorious that change has been!) In time, my needs were met with such increased sufficiency, I was able to find my way back into my writing again, and now I am only a few scenes away from having a finished manuscript—my first in years!

It has been one of the best years of my life. I’m so proud of myself, too, but I know there’s so much more to be experienced and enjoyed. I am so excited what the future holds, for what tomorrow may bring, but I am still learning how to accept grief as a part of that.

This past Thursday, I received distressing news about someone in my family. Since then, Grief has been a constant companion again.

Then again, did he ever go away?

Part of me wants to call him a selfish, ruthless bastard, but then I’m reminded of the amazing words spoken in WandaVision (I need to know who wrote them):

What is grief, if not love persevering?”

There is so much anger and pain, resentment and regret, accompanying my sorrow. It is crippling. I don’t know how I’m going to enter this new year but with tears streaming down my face.

I had hoped my year would end on a sweeter note, but this doleful refrain lingers in the air, reminding me of the words David wrote:

One may lie down weeping at nightfall;
but at dawn there are shouts of joy…You turned my lament into dancing,
you undid my sackcloth and girded me with joy.

So I will embrace this new year, this new dawn, with my tears, and trust in the hope I—we—will find our joy.

שנה טובה ומתוקה

I will be taking a break from this blog and all social media for the first month of the new year. I will return to this blog on October 30. See you in 5785!