Fighting Cravings

I’m sorry for my quiet, my absence, my lack of musings.

Life has been unbearably difficult, and I’m constantly battling giving into the inevitable burn-out I dread is coming.

Do you ever feel like you’ve given so much already, all that’s left is an automaton version of yourself operating on autopilot? Like you’ve suddenly reached your ultimate capacity of capabilities, your conscious turns off and your unconscious takes control?

Do you become terrified when this happens? When you’ve reached this limit?

Do you feel like after the rebirth and awakening of Spring, Summer becomes a frenzy of tasks and chores and assignments all in preparation for the end of the year, for the coming of Autumn and its destructive friend Death, err Winter?

I want Summer to end soon.

I can’t do this anymore. I want to run away. I want to escape.

I want to find a secluded cabin in the woods blanketed in the quiet tranquility of snow and hide away from the world. I want the quiet of the sleeping world Winter brings to welcome me with open arms of cozy blankets, roaring fireplaces, and long hours spent indoors curled up with a book and a never-ending mug of tea.

Does this contradict all I’ve ever said? That no one is alone? That isolation causes more harm than good?

Perhaps.

Though, just because I know what’s right, what’s better doesn’t mean it’s what I want.

I still crave solitude. I still crave to escape and hide. I still crave running away.

But I no longer let myself because I’m trying to grow, to change, to be better, to become stronger.

How can you learn to fight if all you ever do is run away from battles?

I know this won’t last forever, even if it feels like my head, my life is spinning out of control.

This is not my end.