Empty Creativity

Once again, I have not been as attentive to my blog, and for that I’m sorry.

Mostly because instead of musings, my mind has been swimming with new information as I relearn how to do a job I performed for over six years, but in a new jurisdiction.

(That and figuring out my new schedule now that I can’t go grocery shopping Friday mornings since I have to be at work again. Gah, I miss my Fridays…)

It’s complicated, messy, sifting between what I know—i. e. what is habit—and what is new; what translates and can be retained, and what must be discarded.

Unfortunately, that means all this information is clogging my creativity, leaving it overwhelmed with what I like to think is senseless, useles, information I don’t really need to know in the grand scheme of things if I’m going to fulfil my dream and actually be a full-time author one day.

Then again, if I want to do well at my job and earn my pay check, then I need to commit some of this information to memory.

Look—I’m all for pursuing excellence, no matter how grimy or miserable the job is, so don’t think I’m advocating that day jobs are worthless or meaningless.

Here’s the only problem I have with day jobs, what I’ve kvetched about before plenty of times on this blog: day jobs are exhausting leaving my creativity on empty.

The struggle of life that is being an artist in this age of 9-5, of juggling a day job to pay bills whilst also trying to develop your craft, of always wondering if you should either give up your dream and focus on work or quit your job and pursue your dreams—it’s a nightmare.

How am I suppose to go write something, anything, in my work in progress when I can barely think straight? And you expect me to be able to write a whole new world full of intricacies and cultures and histories and characters I fabricate from my own imagination? Forget it. I’d rather just binge Stranger Things again when I’m this tired.

And then there’s the subjectivity of the industry to wrestle with when I miraculously finish! Oy gevalt.

I realise I might sound like a broken record, an annoying broken record, but if you know, you know. Doesn’t matter what you want to be—artist, doctor, lawyer, hair dresser, physicist, baker, chef—if you’re not fulfilling that part of your soul, that inner spark, something feels…off.

Now it may be this 9-5 business lifestyle is starting to dissipate more and more, which might help alleviate some of the struggle for maintaining balance, but bills still have to be paid.

Hopefully one day earning an income and pursuing my dream will be one and the same.

Until then, even with my creativity running on empty, I’m going to keep struggling because my dreams are worth it.

What about yours?

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