Embrace the Wind

Some of you might have noticed in my earlier post from today I mentioned how the two months have seemed bizarrely busy in a stressful, sometimes painful way. I also realised it’s been a while; I haven’t written as I once did; I’ve been negligent. Thus, I thought I would pause and share some of what’s been making Life seem messy, maybe even a brilliant one.

To briefly recap: the new year began; at the end of the month I went out of town (that was an adventure, especially when my car decided to almost explode on me); had a bit of self-discovery whilst there; Purim happened and is now over; Life goes on.

On a personal, private level, a lot more happened than just those events. In short, I’ve been learning what it means as an INFJ to trust people, to let people in, to let them love me, that I’m not alone. And in return, I’ve been learning to love them.

It’s terrifying, weird, abnormal; I’m vulnerable as heck, but in the end, I think it’s worth it. I’m simultaneously gaining not just new relationships, deeper intimacy, but also confidence, strength, and maybe even a little resilience.

Sure, in those tempestuous moments, sometime my past is triggered, rearing its disgustingly ugly head, bringing with it the pain of my haunted memories, making my struggle all the more difficult because I’m not merely fighting a current battle, but I’m expending extra energy to keep my past demons at bay.

And a lot of times, I’m not strong enough to fight all this on my own.

I think that’s one of our greatest struggle as INFJs. We’ve been so terribly hurt by others, betrayed even, when we’re caught up in those moments of excruciating pain, we know we’re not strong enough, that we cannot fight such a battle on our own – but the fear of being hurt again is so much greater than whatever pain we may be enduring, we would rather face it alone than be betrayed by another supposed loved one again.

Thus, we endure. In silence, we survive, clinging to whatever idealistic hopes and dreams we have, even if they be but an ember desperately glowing, whilst always seeking Life in a fleeting wisp of wind to restore our weakened flames.

And I think that’s what I’ve been learning these past two months: embrace the wind.

Though it might feel harsh, it might be bitter, cold, stinging, or biting, it is only in the wind our flames, our passions find renewed Life.

I use to imagine myself being more like the wind, especially after reading the Air Awakens series: independent, whimsical, free. Only I think if I’m truly honest with myself, I’m not at all. I really am like fire.

And without wind, fire cannot survive, it cannot live. It cannot burn and blaze and rage and become this illusive but illustrious effulgence of beauty and awe-inspiring light.

Thus, we INFJs need those people in our lives who can both call us out on our crap and comfort us, especially when the truth they might be dishing out is a more difficult pill to swallow. We need people who are like wind who can stir up the flames of our souls.

Does it hurt? Well, is the Pope Catholic?

Of course it hurts, especially in the beginning. But it’s worth it. Always.

I think we as a culture, a society are too avoidant, too abhorrent of pain, but that’s another topic for another day.

Furthermore, in addition to all these blustery trials I seem to be enduring, Life feels bizarrely calm. Now I realise that’s a bit paradoxical. Wasn’t I just talking about how tempestuous Life currently seems to be? Well, yes. And sometimes I feel as though I am the tempest.

However, if you recall, I wrote a few months back about the impending, inevitable change I could sense was approaching. Since then, I’ve noticed how change is all around me, how others’ lives are changing, but my own seems stuck, remaining the same. Though it’s not because I’m not experiencing change. Rather, I am in the middle of it. It’s just I’m in so deep, I can’t even tell it’s happening.

Like an archetypal hero on their journey, I’m merely in the middle of my rising action. The exposition is over and done, and I know I haven’t reached the climax yet. Thus, I can only say, I’m still caught up in my own story, as it should be. Besides, it wouldn’t be an interesting story if there wasn’t any conflict. It’s the conflict which makes my coming (I pray) happy ending worth it.

Then again, whatever my future holds, Hashem knows, and He is the most attentive to my needs, even more than myself. Of course my ending will be happy, but it will also be so much more because I’m not the one writing this story. He is.

And I can’t wait to see what happens next.