Don’t Give Up

My heart palpitates as my finger hovers over the SEND button, my palm clammy with a sudden burst of perspiration.

“This is it,” flashes through my mind, and before I lose my nerve, I tap the screen. Expelling a heavy sigh from years of bent up disappointment, frustration, and whatever minuscule amount of hope remains, I lean back in my chair to relax my racing heart.

I’ve only just sent the beginnings of my revisions for my manuscript to a friend for review. She read the first dreadful, mortifying draft. Why then do I feel so nervous about these revisions?

A week passes and I get her comments back on the first 90 pages.

“Only 15; that’s good considering the page count, right?” I ask my naive self. Though, as I read through them, the same nagging fear I’ve evaded all these years, since starting this possible pipe-dream of an endeavour, creeps back up to torment me.

You’re not good enough. You’ll never get published. Stop trying. You know you’re only going to fail.”

These and other thoughts buzz through my mind like a swarm trying to infect me. Unfortunately, it almost works.

It’s easy to get on the Internet and just blog about your problems. It’s even easier for me to write what I hope are encouraging, edifying posts because that’s what I was trained for at theological school.

Except I was never trained to write fiction. I’ve only ever dreamed of it. I’ve only ever written it in secret. To pursue publishing is crazy to me. To even publicly write about this dream is crazy.

What am I doing?!

It’s been 12 years, and still I have nothing to show for my efforts. Maybe then there’s some validity to these doubts? However, if I were to give into such self-deprecating taunts, I would be a hypocrite. I would not be “practicing what I preach” as it were.

Maybe the problem is still me. However, giving up is never an option. If you don’t try, you automatically fail. Isn’t that what J. K. Rowling said? Look what she accomplished.

Who knows what awaits me in my future, but I’m going to greet it fighting for my dreams.