Dare to Linger

I miss the kittens.

Beyond that I’m thinking and feeling so many different things right now it’s ridiculous.

I woke up today [Tuesday] and during my morning commute when I take time to talk with Hashem and prepare for my day, I discovered how enraged I am.

What has me particularly perturbed at the moment is the acceptability of “ghosting” in today’s culture. It is so degrading to put yourself out there, to be vulnerable, with someone only to receive silence as a response. I know we’re tired. I know we’re struggling. If anyone can understand the difficulties this world and society has endured collectively, not merely individually, it’s me. I’ve shared before how…rough it has been. That said, if I am annoyed, and I have every reason to just give in, then that should tell you something.

There are two areas which I feel constantly ghosted by others. One is significant in the short-term and less personal, but no less vulnerable; the second is as terrifying as speed dating a room full of strangers, and much more significant all around. They are querying agents regarding my completed Jewish adult crossover epic fantasy romance manuscript (say that five times fast), and job hunting for that “day job” that could be more than just a paycheck. Both are essentially some form of career advancement, and I’m shocked how similar they both are when you stop to consider how you’re cold querying these strangers into hoping they hire you for a job. It’s just one is an extremely personal lifelong passion project for me whereas the other, I’m jaded enough to not care about anything except compensation and personal safety.

In both areas, though, I’ve been ghosted constantly, consistently. It’s…it’s…rough doesn’t begin to encapsulate how disparaging it is. Even over something as petty as a job application to Target. I’ve been querying and job hunting for about the same amount of time now, too. (Yes, I have a current day job, but allow me to remind you how wonderful it is by suggesting you reread this specific post.)

Now, let’s add the Jewish element.

Obviously, I don’t need to tell you there’s a rise in antisemitism—wait. Did you know there was a rise in antisemitism in America? Because there is. Over 400% increase by the ADL’s [Anti-Defamation League] count, and they know their stuff.

My friends and I have been talking, too, about how this rise affects us in querying our work, whether a full-length manuscript needing representation or selling short fiction. Combine this with the already difficult task I’ve had with trying to find a job where I can work and keep Shabbat—it’s impossible.

Oh, and I just got turned down for a job at my local JCC. How’s that for ironic?!

Yeah, so I could use a kitten to cuddle right about now. Or an agent who believes in me and my work. Or a new job where I’m not terrified of being targeted. How about all the above?

Throw in the mix random feelings of being angry that it costs so much fricking money to buy food these days thanks to inflation that can’t seem to stop, the holidays are coming which makes any financial stressors people are feeling (and frankly, who isn’t?) worse, fat shaming physicians (don’t get me started), and all around THERE ARE OVER 200 HOSTAGES STILL IN GAZA AND I CAN’T– I CAN’T– I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I don’t know what Hashem is doing. I don’t know what He’s waiting on, but… *sigh*

I know the only way through this darkness, the only way to defeat it, is to let our light shine brighter than ever before. I shared with those same friends I mentioned earlier that we can’t let them win. We have to continue being proud and unapologetic of who we are. It’s the only way to drown out this pervasive evil, and we will. Together. It’s the only way we will survive, yet again, to welcome a new dawn in a new world.

Even the ghosting and the shaming and the worrying will be diminished. If not now, then at least in the Olam Ha’ba. I just…I want it now. There is so much work to be done. So much life to enjoy. Dare we linger in the midst of such conflict and pain?