After the Death

Two days ago in shul we read about the instructions Hashem gave Aharon for what to do after the untimely death of his two sons, Nadav and Avihu.

Two days ago, my coworker unexpectedly, suddenly, prematurely died.

It’s peculiar because the rabbis always discuss how Aharon was silent in the face of his sons’ death. However, I wonder if any of them took into consideration how merciful Hashem’s instructions are. At face value, when we read the parasha of Acharei Mot it comes across as a cold, ritualistic avoidance of their deaths as the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur, is introduced to the people of Israel for the first time.

After what I’ve just experienced, I disagree.

I would give anything for Hashem to tell me what to do, to provide me with some ritual or instructions to distract myself from this pain.

I can’t sit shiva. I shouldn’t even recite Mourner’s Kaddish, no matter how desperate I am to read those comforting words which remind me of our collective destiny. It’s just so…awkward. Out of all the deaths I’ve endured in my life, this is the first I’m not certain what to do.

I don’t know how to grieve, and this hurts so much.

If Aharon felt anything like what I’m feeling, and I believe he did but more, then I imagine he felt grateful for Hashem’s instructions. His silence, too, spoke of his trust in Hashem, which is unfathomable to me.

How can anyone be silent in the face of such death?

Me? I hate death. Death is evil and always will be. It is the product of a curse, it is not a part of Hashem’s original design for this world, and one day in the Olam Haba, the world to come, it will be gone. Forever. And we will live forever. We will be resurrected. We pray it everyday in the Amidah which says:

He sustains the living with kindness. He resurrects the dead with manifold mercies. He supports those who fall, heals the sick, and releases the imprisoned. He fulfills His faithful promise to those who repose in the dust. Who is like You, Master of mighty acts? Who resembles You, O King Who puts to death, brings to life, and causes salvation to flourish? You are trustworthy to resurrect the dead. Blessed are You, Adonai, Who resurrects the dead.

G’vurot blessing within Amidah

Though I may not have some ritual to help me grieve, I have these words. I have this promise. It is to this I will cling, for after the Death of this present age, we will, all of us, be reborn into the newness of life for which we are created to live forever in peace.

In that, I will place my pain and find my hope.